By someone who has stood on both sides of the desk.
What’s the first thing that comes to mind when your manager asks to see you?
If you’re like most people, the first thought probably isn’t, “This will be a nice surprise.”
It’s more likely something along the lines of:
“What did I do wrong?”
“Am I in trouble?”
“What’s going to be asked of me now?”
That feeling is familiar. I know it from personal experience.
Back When I Was on the Other Side
When I first started working, I remember that uneasy feeling when a manager suddenly wanted to speak to me. My mind would race—had I missed a deadline? Made a mistake? Even during my time in the army, getting called in by a superior usually meant that something hadn’t gone quite right. Whether I had done something wrong or forgotten something important, the message was clear: You don’t get called in for good news.
And while I wasn’t constantly in trouble, that instinctive worry was always there. Because that was the pattern.
So imagine the moment when I became a manager myself—and I saw the exact same thing happening from the other side.
Becoming the Manager That People Feared
At first, I didn’t notice it. But slowly, I realized that every time I asked a team member to step into my office, their face changed. I could see it in their eyes—the same uncertainty I used to feel. It struck me: Am I creating this tension without even realizing it?
I wasn’t being harsh. I wasn’t unkind. I genuinely liked my team and wanted them to feel comfortable around me. But looking back, I now understand that my own behavior played a big role in how I was being perceived.
I mostly called people in when something was wrong. Or when a formal review was due. Hardly ever just to talk, or to say thank you. I was heavily focused on tasks, on goals, on making things happen. And somewhere in all that, I forgot something essential: the human part of leadership.
It took time, and a bit of honest reflection, to see that I was becoming exactly the kind of manager I used to fear.
So Why Does This Happen?
Over the years, I started asking around. In training sessions with managers, in casual talks with employees, even in anonymous surveys—the same theme kept coming up.
Many people see managers not as a source of support, but as someone to be careful around. Someone who might criticize, judge, or decide their fate. Even good managers are often met with guardedness, not because they’ve done anything wrong—but because of what the role represents.
And it got me thinking more deeply about where this comes from.
Some of it is just the nature of the position. Managers hold authority. They make decisions, give feedback, assess performance. And in a lot of people’s experience, they do so without much emotional connection.
But there are other reasons, too—reasons that aren’t always obvious, yet shape how managers are seen.
It’s More Than Just the Role
Some people land in management roles simply because they were good at their job—not because they’re good with people. They may know the work inside out, but that doesn’t mean they know how to lead a team. And when someone lacks basic leadership qualities like empathy, listening, or fairness, people quickly learn to keep their guard up.
There are cultural dynamics as well. In some environments, questioning your manager is seen as disrespectful. Speaking up, offering feedback, or even asking “why” can be risky. And in male-dominated workplaces, female managers still face subtle (or not-so-subtle) resistance. These ingrained norms reinforce the idea that a manager is someone you must be careful with—not someone you can relax around.
Then there’s the everyday stuff—the kind of behavior many managers fall into without even realizing it. Like forgetting to give compliments. Like only showing up when something is wrong. Like focusing solely on tasks and forgetting to check in with the people doing them. Like staying at your desk instead of being where your team actually works.
Over time, all of this adds up. Not because managers are bad people, but because they’re often stuck in a rhythm that leaves little room for connection.
And once that distance is there, even the kindest intention can be misunderstood.
What Shifted for Me
One moment that stands out for me was during an employee feedback survey. One of the questions asked how staff felt about their manager. The answers were mostly polite, but behind the words, I sensed hesitation, neutrality… and a kind of quiet disappointment.
That was the moment I realized: people expected managers to be distant. It was the default setting. And unless I did something different, I would just become part of that pattern.
So I started doing things differently.
I made a point to walk around more, to be present where the work happened. I started asking people how they were doing—not just as workers, but as people. I called someone into my office just to say they had done a great job. No agenda. Just that.
I started listening more. I asked questions without already having the answers. I tried to see what people were doing right, not only what needed fixing.
And slowly, the room began to change.
It Was Never About Being “Nice”
Let me be clear: being a good manager isn’t about being everyone’s friend. It’s not about avoiding hard conversations, or handing out compliments like candy.
It’s about being human. Fair. Present. Clear. Consistent.
You still have to lead. You still have to give feedback, sometimes hard feedback. You still have to hold people accountable. But those things are received differently when your team feels that you’re with them—not above them.
When they trust that you see their effort. That you’ll speak the truth, but also listen. That they don’t have to brace themselves every time you say, “Can we talk?”
From Enemy to Leader
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: people don’t fear managers because they want to. They fear managers because of what they’ve experienced—or what they’ve come to expect.
And that expectation only changes when we change the experience.
So surprise someone on your team. Call them in just to say thank you. Show up without a problem to fix. Be visible. Be fair. Be human.
Because once people stop seeing you as the enemy, they might finally start seeing you as a leader.
Below you find a summary of why managers are perceived as the enemy and also what you can do about it.
Why Are Managers Often Perceived as the Enemy?
Let’s explore a few reasons—some personal, some systemic, and some cultural:
• Some people shouldn’t be in management. Some individuals land in leadership roles without the necessary skills. They may be promoted because of seniority or technical competence, not leadership qualities. And when that happens, the team pays the price.
• Cultural and social norms. In some cultures, questioning or challenging your manager is seen as disrespectful. In male-dominated workplaces, female managers still face resistance. These dynamics reinforce hierarchy, distance, and fear.
• Managers who don’t give compliments. Many managers are trained to look for what’s broken. They point out what needs fixing but forget to acknowledge what’s going well. They miss the chance to catch people doing something right.
• Too much focus on tasks, not enough on people. Of course, results matter. But if you’re always chasing deadlines and never connecting with your team on a human level, you lose trust and loyalty. Interestingly, managers who focus more on relationships often achieve better results in the long run.
• Managers who stay behind a desk. Leadership isn’t an office job. You can’t manage a team you never see. If you’re only communicating via email or reports, you’re not leading—you’re hiding. People want to see you on the floor, in the field, listening and being present.
• You represent judgment and power. Whether we like it or not, the manager holds power. You evaluate performance, give feedback, approve promotions—or don’t. That power dynamic creates tension, even if you’re approachable. Employees may feel they’re always being assessed.
• Inconsistent or unfair behavior. Nothing breaks trust like favoritism or unclear rules. If some employees get special treatment without explanation, others start to feel overlooked or undervalued—even if it’s unintentional.
• Avoiding difficult conversations. Some managers avoid confrontation to stay liked. But when poor behavior goes unaddressed, it hurts the whole team. People want fairness and courage more than friendliness.
• Poor communication. When managers don’t explain the why behind decisions, people fill in the blanks themselves. That usually leads to mistrust or wrong assumptions.
What Can a Manager Do About It?
If we want to change the perception that managers are the enemy, we have to act differently. Here’s what helped me—and might help you too:
• Be visible. Walk around, check in, have informal chats.
• Balance task and relationship. Results matter, but so does connection.
• Give compliments often. Don’t wait for formal reviews.
• Listen more than you speak. People want to feel heard.
• Explain decisions. Context builds trust.
• Be consistent. Fairness is the foundation of respect.
• Handle conflict directly, but kindly. Don’t let issues fester.
• Celebrate success. Even small wins deserve attention.
• Invite people in for no reason. A friendly talk can change everything.
